Puberty and patriotism...

It was obvious the moment the first note came out of his mouth. The air in the dining hall seemed to get thicker. It would be wrong to say a hush fell over the room, because some of the older boys were still cheering, but a sense of expectation had definitely settled across the long communal tables like deflating hot air balloon. Some of the older boys looked at each other, instantly knowing that the others had noticed it too.

He had pitched it too high.

There was no doubting it. There was no way he could possibly hit the high note on "JOY-ful strains" if he stayed in key. Jamie, who claimed to have perfect pitch, leant across the table and whispered to Mark "He's gonna have to go up to high-D! His range is High C, absolute max."

Bubba knew he had a problem. He had sensed it the moment he started singing. He gripped the podium tightly with his small, first form boy's hands. Randy, who was compering the First Term Trivia Night, stood off to one side with a smirk on his face. Bubba caught his eye and his smirk pushed up his face and morphed into a cruel grin. "It's okay," Bubba said to himself. He was only singing about abounding lands and nature's gifts at this stage. Plenty of time to regather.

By now the whole dining hall could sense what was about to happen. A tense, expectant hush had fallen over the boys for the first time in weeks. The chubby little first former had a high voice, damned high, but no-one could possibly hit that note, not from where he had started it anyway.

Bubba looked across at the table where the basket of fun size chocolates sat. They were the reason he was up here. He silently cursed himself for starting to sing while all the boys were still cheering him. He had been the first to the front. He was still too jazzed from the dash from his seat when he started. He looked out at the sea of blue and cream blazers. Some boys' blazer buttons looked as if they were about to burst off, unable to contain the excitement of their wearers.

Mr Markham started moving over towards the podium. Bubba looked across at him, his eyes pleading for help.

In history's page, let every stage Advance Australia Fair.... ummm.

Mr Markham put his hand on Bubba's shoulder. The boys' heads were on stalks, craning forward, ears pushed to the front, not wanting to miss a sound or an image. Mr Markham raised his free hand in the manner of a great conductor and made eye contact with the Senior Boarder, Gussy. Gussy turned to the others, and as one the senior boys rose to their feet.

IN JOOOOYYYYYFUL STRAINS THEN LET US SING
ADVAAAAANCE, AUSTRAAAAAALLLIA FAAAAAIRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

The dining hall erupted into cheers and applause. Bubba, almost shaking from relief, accepted the basket of chocolates from Randy and ran back to his seat, pausing only briefly to drop it in the middle of the senior boys' table.

Cooking dinner: the process...

1. 6.45pm. Get home from work. Peel off shirt while its still damp from the walk from the station.
2. Sit on the couch and feel like crap.
3. Turn on TV. Two and a Half Men is on.
4. Watch Two and a Half Men while feeling like crap.
5. Realise there are five hours of things to do before bed.
6. Realise those things will not be done.
7. Feel hungry.
8. Turn up Two and a Half Men and go to the kitchen to cook.
9. Open fridge.
10. Curse flatmates for
(a) not being home to cook
(b) not ensuring the fridge is fully stocked with the exact ingredients you need to make the two dishes in repertoire.
11. See bread.
12. Cook bread.
13. Rub peanut butter onto the cooked bread.
14. Eat.
15. Sit on couch.
16. Watch Gordon Ramsay.
17. Complain about 'having a shit night' when housemates arrive home.
18. Call girlfriend.
19. Mumble to girlfriend while surfing internet.
20. Sleep.